Don't send any money!
Fate has no price
Ignore at your peril this splendid advice
An invaluable link in an infinite chain
An offer like this will just not come again

You wish you had women to charm and bewitch
Power of life and death over the rich young girls will be swooning
Because you're exciting them
And not only fall at your feet but be biting them

Guaranteed, guaranteed to capture your breath
Or just possibly scare you to death
Sign it and seal it and send it to friends
But don't mention my name
Don't make any long term plans

In thirty-six hours your fortunes will change
Your best friends won't know you
And neither will strangers
Do not keep this letter
It must leave your hand
You have been selected from over five thousand

A twister or dupe will bamboozle or hoodwink you
I can't say anymore it would only confuse you
The wine that they offer will go to your head
And you'll start to see double in fishes and bread

Guaranteed, guaranteed for a lifetime or more
Guaranteed, for this world and the next
Guaranteed, guaranteed for the world and it's mother
Cherish this life as you don't get another one

Unless you should take up this fabulous offer
Don't leave it too late or you'll be bound to suffer
And woebetide anyone so woebegone
You won't know you're born or about to pass on

You'll never be tired
You'll never be bored
By the way I just hope you're insured
And if you're not satisfied
If you want more
We can always provide an improved overture
Guaranteed at a price that is almost unbeatable
This offer is unrepeatable

Your troubles will vanish
Your tears will dry
Your blessings just multiply
Guaranteed at a price that is almost unbeatable
This offer is unrepeatable

Guaranteed, guaranteed to bring fortune and fame
In a riot of colors, a variety of flavors
Guaranteed at a price that is almost unbeatable
This offer is unrepeatable

Would I lie to you? Would I sell you a dud?
Just sing on the line
Could you possibly write it in blood?

Writer : MACMANUS, CASSIDY, BRODSKY QUARTET
Copyright : Lyrics © PLANGENT VISIONS MUSIC INC. , UNIVERSAL MUSIC MGB SONGS OBO ELVIS COSTELLO